RANDOM RANTINGS AT 30

This has been the 3rd time that I resigned and went back to IQ/MTC. I was to start my new job with a company that's part of one of the biggest conglomerates in the country. It would have been my dream job, or so i thought! Days after I signed the contract, I was having second thoughts already.

The source?

MTC/IQ. So much left to do, and yet here I was about to leave everything behind. And the thought of it, just kept playing in my mind again and again. Like hearing the radio ad of "Kyowa, kyowa, kyowa type kita" once, and then you start singing it the whole day.

I've got 2 days to decide, cuz I start the next week! I knew in my heart what I wanted, I was just so afraid, that if i did go back, it would have to be for the long haul. I had to commit myself!

August 19, 2008, I am officially an MTC/IQ employee again! As soon as I officially announced this, disapprovals just poured like rain! Hahahahahahahahaha! As in, major explain to everyone, na kesyo, "it's what I really want", "it's what will make me happy" as in! But I just knew it, I made the right decision, I had peace in my heart!

Now, does it mean that I am commiting? I guess so!

Or so I thought!

Fast-forward to today, September 8, 2008. All of a sudden, I had this sinking feeling that I just want to do something else! What that is, I don't know!

Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! I really think i need serious psychiatric help!!!!!!!!! (ym status as of:8:45pm, 09082008)

I dunno, it just hit me! I want something else! I was in the car with Ry and Sir Jin, and I just blurted out, "I think I need a hobby".

Sitting here just running a quick self-evaluation: Is there really something wrong with me? Or it's just basic human nature, that everyone, at some point in their lives, they end up in crossroads, thinking what their next steps would be? Do I turn left or right, make a u-turn, counter-flow, or a full-stop? Mas madalas lang mangyari sa ken, but I think it happens to everyone.

I am turning 30 next week! And what bothers me is that it doesn't even bother me that I am turning 30 and am going nowhere! I might come across as someone headed in the right direction, UPWARD! Climbing all the way up the corporate ladder! Well, it's more like corporate steps here in mtc, not that much of a ladder really hahahahahaha! But take off the fun-loving, funny, happy-go-lucky, smart-ass veneer, I am just as clueless as any 12-year old kid going through his first signs of puberty.

I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM AND WHO I WANT TO BE! AND I AM 30!

I've always loved this gavin de graw song, "I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately, all I wanna do is think of me and I have peace of mind, yeahhh"

But I'm 30, so I don't think I'm in the position to be singing this song hahahahaha!

But I've always been like this. If I am sure about one thing about myself is that i do what i want, and I don't think about what people say!

But I'm 30, ahahahahaha!

Do I really want what I have? Yes I do. I am not getting the feeling na ayoko na, what I'm getting is ayoko na muna to! They say that I should stop feeling, that I'm too emotional, that i decide with my heart! That I should not let my heart rule over my mind! But I'm all heart! And I'm 30!

I always get like this, when I'm so close to getting close, I pull away, I don't know why, but I pull away! And now, I can feel it, i feel like pulling away. I know the signs. and they're there! I know, because the thought of a long-term commitment scares me! It scares me like hell! I can't breathe, I can't think! I just feel like running away, as far away as possible, never looking back, never stopping, just thoughtlessly running, running to God knows where!

I know this drill, I've done it so many times in the past, with relationships that could've been, for jobs that should've been, for friendships I could've saved, for things I should've said and done! If God gave me an exam on this, I could easily ace this one! 100%, Perfect, flat 1!

But I tried it with MTC/IQ, thrice! And I keep going back! why? have i found what i want? or i just keep quitting for the wrong reasons?

I know naman na there are things I have to do pa here, pero question ko nga, why do i keep on wanting to runaway! Someone once told me, na if it's not fun, i don't wanna do it anymore! Could be true, but why now, when everything is just about the right amount of fun!

Yikes, siguro nga I need a hobby! Or baka naman today lang to! Kaya lang mejo 1 week na eh hahahahaha!

Text text na lang!